Life.

      I realize that it's been more than a month since my last post.  I would say that life has gotten away from me, but it hasn't.  It's not that I've been too busy to blog...it's that I haven't felt like it. 
 

     Life has been hard lately.  Every day seems to be another test of my endurance, my faith.  After being sick for so long, I had pretty much given up hope of ever getting better.  So, when I was finally diagnosed, I couldn't help but feel a little hopeful.  Although I knew that treatment would be lengthly, at least there was the possibility of feeling better.

     This started my regimen of remaining on a strict diet, taking a huge handful of pills twice a day, injecting myself in the stomach twice a week, and getting blood labs every three weeks.  In and of itself, these things are not a big deal.  I mean, swallowing 27 pills every morning and every evening is annoying, but it's not painful or even that difficult.  And sure, the thought of giving myself a shot totally freaked me out at first, but now I'm used to it.  

     Since going on the medicine, I have noticed a slight improvement in my stomach, but sometimes it goes to feeling even worse than before.  Since it feels better than it has in a long time (sometimes), I am hopeful that the meds are having a positive impact. 

  
     Everyone knows a few things about Lyme Disease.  You get a bull's eye rash.  Your joints hurt.  Ok...so I think that's about where the general knowledge ends.  What most people don't realize is that it greatly affects you neurologically.  It can cause depression, mood swings, disorientation...as well as feeling like you're going crazy.  I have been in all of those places.

     Before I was diagnosed, I didn't understand what was wrong with me.  I didn't feel myself and it scared me, because I thought it was my fault.  The hard thing about psychological symptoms is that they are so much more intangible, and easier to explain away than physical ones.  But they are no less real.  Being diagnosed with Lyme and learning about the neurological side of the disease relieved me and helped me stop beating myself up so much.

     In this area, I think the medicine has actually had a negative affect (ostensibly getting worse before it gets better).  I find myself being edgy and anxious, getting frazzled extremely easily, forgetting words, losing my train of thought, and in general being a basket case.  Sometimes I think it is a miracle that I get through each day. I am often overwhelmed, and have trouble making it to the end of the work.  By the time I get home, I have to rest for at least an hour before I have enough energy to do anything.  Most nights though, I end up staying home to curl up in bed to watch a movie or read a book.  Most of the time, I am perfectly content to do this, since I have always loved movies and books.  It has sort of become a routine, and is almost comforting.  

     But, at other times, I get so frustrated that I don't have the energy to go out.  I feel like I'm being anti-social and wasting my time.  It has been especially hard in that I haven't had as many opportunities to meet people and make new friends.  Plus, I often don't have the emotional energy to put myself out there.  Being in a new place, this has been really tough since I get lonely just sitting at home. 

     I know this is a lot...this is the culmination of feelings, frustrations and realizations from the past several weeks.  I promise there are lots of good things going on in my life right now as well.  I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest first (bad news first, right?).  

Having Lyme has been one long trial.  But God is faithful...with each thing He takes away from me and every difficulty added to my life, He is showing me that He is enough, and teaching me to rely fully on Him.  I am learning to take on day at a time...and I'M SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS BREAK!!!!!