28.

Last Monday was my 28th birthday.  Crazy!  It's weird to think that i'm in my late 20s, because I still feel like such a kid sometimes!  Isn't time such a strange thing? 

I love birthdays, because they are such a good reminder of God's faithfulness to me.  It is often hard for me to slow down and meditate on how he has been working in my life, and I feel like birthdays give me an automatic push to stop and reflect...on life in general, but specifically on how the Lord has blessed me.

This past year has had some high highs and low lows, for sure.  And, through it all, my lord has proved himself faithful...as he always does.  The year started out with some not-so-fun withdrawal symtoms - the result of discontinuing a slew of strong prescriptions that I had been on for more than two years.  I am so thankful that I was able to stop taking them, but starting the year off recovering from the flu and suffering from insomnia and depression was really, really hard.

Through the spring and early summer, I really wondered if I was ever going to feel back to my normal self.  I had been so long that I didn't remember what it felt like anymore!  I honestly couldn't recall what it felt like NOT to feel sick to my stomach at every minute of every day. 

Having a chronic illness is interesting...you get used to it, but at the same time, you don't.  Most of the time, I didn't think about it much.  Being sick was just a way of life, and having low amounts of energy and negative emotional capital became my new normal. It had to become my new normal.  I had to learn how to stop comparing the present with the past.

And so went the first half of my year.  Ups and downs, many lows, and many days of wondering if I would ever feel better.  I wasn't at all sure that being on heavy medication for 2 years had been helpful...or if it had just been another detour in the long road that is chronic lyme disease. 

Then came August, which brought our family beach week.  Normally one of my favorite times of year (besides christmas of course), I think it is safe to say this was the worst vacation in the history of the world (mom, am I right?) Anyways, despite being a terrible vacation (main reasons: it rained the whole time, no one wanted to do anything, most of us were grumpy and had no energy...oh, and I was only allowed to eat raw vegetable for SEVEN days.  that was fun), it did end up being a turning point for me.

You see, the week of our vacation, I decided to go on a detox diet for the entire time.  As hard as it was to give up coffee, meat, sugar, grains, nuts, etc. etc. (seriously, kale and strawberries  and salad were my breakfast, lunch and dinner, and carrot sticks and jicama my snack..), it was SO worth it.  By the time the next week rolled around, I felt as close to my normal self as I could remember.  My mood was close to normal, my energy level was increasing, and my stomach felt slightly better.

my food for the week...

The final piece of the puzzle (so far) that fell into place was in mid-August, when I went back to my homeopathic doctor in Roswell, Georgia. When I asked him to do a food senstivity test, he quickly told me that I needed to cut corn out of my diet. I immediately started feeling better, and it's been uphill since then! He also told me that all signs of Lyme Disease are gone...i'm still a but skeptical, but I'm hopeful at the same time. And, I am still holding onto the same truth that I have been clinging to...that my God is sovereign, that all he does is good, and that I can trust him with my life. I am so incredibly thankful!



Another reason I am thankful daily...this girl :)

Thanksgiving!

Last Thursday, I set my alarm for 4:45am.  Normally, if I have to get up before 6am I just hate the world in general, but for some reason, that day I woke up before my alarm went off.  In my head, it went something like this, "wow, I feel rested! time to get up!".  Weird, right?

Some highlights of the drive: We listened to switchfoot.  Oh my GOODNESS I forgot how much I used to (and still?) love them.  Listening to Beautiful Letdown sure took me back...

Highlight #2 (well, for me at least, not sure about Jeremy and Erin...): I got to belt out the entire album of Wicked.  Yes please.

#3...Jeremy was a sugar daddy for a hot second and bought us starbucks. holler!

By the time 10:30 rolled around, we were pulling into my parents driveway and walking into a fully prepared breakfast of sausage and eggs and gf bread.  I have to say, there are a TON of things I love about going home, but the food has to be one of the best!  Thanks mom, I appreciate you!

It was so, so good to be home.  Last year was...not the most fun time.  This last year sure has seen a lot of changes for me!  Last December, I was in the process of titrating off 15 prescriptions.  Just as I was finishing that, I got every flu known to man...for two weeks.  Christmas found me lying on the couch all day and in bed all night.  3 types of flu+insomnia+withdrawal symptoms = not fun.  Anyways, all of that to say that this time, going home was just so wonderful.  I have been feeling so much better lately, praise God!

I have energy, which means I can help mom cook, go on dates with my sibs, and even go on a 5 mile run!  I really can't describe how thankful I am for the change in my health that I have seen over the last several months.  God sure does bring blessings at the most unexpected times and in the most unanticipated ways. 

Here are some pictures, because i think pictures are the best!!




Day-after-thanksgiving-dinner...my failed attempt to take a panoramic of everyone to send to Carolyn...



Birthday celebrations...ben being a ham.  typical.



Diana: "I really love these colors...but they only had a 1X"
Me: "uh, you do know what "X" stands for, right?"
D: "Noo-ooo...?"



Ha.

Hope you all had a wonderful time with your families! 

 

xoxo

Oh hello there, December.  Have I ever mentioned that I love Christmas time?  I really really do...it's got to be one of my most favorite times of the year (although, I tend to feel that way when spring hits...and summer, and fall.  So.)

I've never had much faith in my decorating skills, but this year I decided to be a little more proactive and actually try.  Anyone else out there need to stop letting fear of failure get in the way of creativty?? I know I sure do. Sometimes I just need to get out of my own way.

Work has been a bit, shall we say, slow, for the past few weeks, which has given me a chance to research all sorts of craft projects.  However, don't be fooled into thinking that Better Homes and Gardens projects are quick OR easy.  How did I think I would have time for this or this?  And definitely  not these guys.  Abby and I spent over an hour cutting out the pattern before I decided there were about a million other things I would rather spend my time doing.  Let's just stick with free evergreens that I stole from Home Depot and red ribbon, shall we?  Oh, and white lights.  You can never have too many white lights!!

Last night the four of us spent the evening cleaning and decorating...our home has become a christmas wonderland!  It is just the best. thing. ever.  So excited for our Christmas party this Saturday, and so, so thankful for the girls I get to live with!  It is definitely more than I deserve.

 

Things to be thankful for

John Piper said, "This is God's universal purpose for all Christian suffering: more contentment in God and less satisfaction in the world".  It is so important to remember this!  Loneliness, suffering, trials...God is working it all out for good.  How kind of him to love us enough to bring us through things like this!  He doesn't just allow it to happen - he is much too powerful for that!  Every single thing that we go through, no matter how small, has already passed through him first.

A friend has recently challenged me to write down 3 things that I am thankful for before I go to bed each night.  It is way too easy for me to focus on the present and the difficulties I am facing, forgetting the amazing faithfulness of God.  He has been faithful and he will be again.  This has been a small but helpful way for me to re-center my thoughts.

Today I am thankful for my boss.  A few of my friends were talking about how their bosses seem to forget they are people sometimes, and immediately I thought, "wow, I've never had that problem!".  Thankfully, I was able to see it right away, and thank God for it.  Although my job isn't glamorous and can get monotonous at times, I am so grateful for a boss who is kind, understanding and caring - I know this is a rare thing.  She is quite funny too...she participated in 'zone-lympics' last summer:
 

Here I am spinning her in a chair before she tries to curtsy in a straight line with her eyes shut...

I am thankful that God's word is unchanging.  The sun might not be shining today, but his promises are the same today, yesterday and forever!

And last and by no means least, I am thankful for my mom!  I can't tell you the amount of times I have called her, or emailed her, or texted her...and she is always there, ready to encourage :).  She is the best!!!

Putting things in perspective...

"You do not find one godly man who came out of an affliction worse than when he went into it; though for awhile he was shaken, yet at last he was better for an affliction".

I have been thinking a lot about this type of thing lately, because life has just seemed so hard.  Do you ever have those days where you just feel like you're failing at everything?  Those days when nothing seems to go right, and you just feel like giving up?  I've been having a lot of those days lately.

But that's not the point of this post.  The point is that no matter how discouraged I feel, I have something to hold onto.  And, no matter how much I feel like I'm struggling, it is nothing compared to what Christ suffered for my sake. 

The crazy thing is how easy it is to forget about his sacrifice.  I so often catch myself living with such entitlement.  It is so easy for my heart to fall into thinking that i deserve good.  That i deserve to be happy, healthy and content.  But that is not true!  What I deserve is hell, because I have sinned against a holy and righteous God.

When my thoughts start going in a downward spiral, the only thing that helps is teaching myself again, and again and again that Christ is enough.  The quote above is from a book called "Be Still My Soul", which has been invaluable to me.  I can't recommend it enough!! It is a compilation of excerpts from different essays on pain and suffering, and the thing that has been so helpful is that every single one points me back to Christ's suffering.  It is full of such clear, practical and helpful truth...a welcome breath of fresh air from my thoughts.


Here are a few more quotes that have been so helpful for me in breaking the cycle of my thoughts:

"Because Jesus is raised from the dead, it is the very meaning of history that life comes out of death - that out of devastation comes redemption". - Keller

"I have the comfort and confidence that the entire matter was under God's overarching decrees, and that nothing happens in my life outside of his loving plans for me...God cares most...about teaching me to hate my transgressions and to keep growing in the grace and knowledge of Jesus". - Joni Eareckson Tada

" Believe that God is loving enough, and powerful enough, and wise enough, and gracious enough to do what he says when he promises to work everything for your good". - Benton
 
There is SO much more I could say about this, but suffice it to say that I have been greatly encouraged by this little book.  There is nothing like a little perspective!

Weekends are for...

- Sleeping in!  It is so nice to have a day where I can just lay in the bright sunshine and not have to get up right away.  Since going off the meds at the end of December, it has been hard to find the motivation to start my day sometimes, so I am thankful for days of rest.

- Seeing old friends.  I haven't really stayed in touch with people from college (the end of my time there wasn't...well, very fun.  but that's another story).  BUT - Christine randomly facebooked me, and so we hung out for a good part of the day.  Yay for catching up 6 years later!  Here is a funny plant we found at the Botanical Garden:

It's called a fingernail plant...

It's kind of sad that it was the first time I'd been there...but when you live somewhere, it's so easy not to take advantage of everything around you!


- Relaxing!  I was exhausted (and cold!) after walking around, drinking starbucks (what saturday day is complete without coffee?!), going to the botanical garden, and eating at tortilla cafe (cheap and delicious!), so said goodbye to Christine, snuggled under my hand-made blanket (thanks Aunt Betty!) and proceeded to watch 3 hours of Fringe.  If you've never heard of Fringe...well, it is WEIRD.  I'm not really sure how I got into watching it, but it's just so good that I can't stop.  If you are a fan of JJ Abrams (and how could you not be?) and you like a bit of suspense with some other-worldly science thrown in, you should maaaaybe give it a watch.  or not.  My roommates make fun of me, and I don't blame them.  I mean, this is an actual sentence that I formed: 'someone traveled between universes because they injected her with metal the vibrates at a certain frequency'.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but the stranger the show gets, the less surprised i get.  Anyways, it's definitely weird, but oh so interesting!

- Trying new recipes! I just had quite possibly the best pancakes of have tasted in my whole entire life.  Seriously, I don't think I will ever make any other type ever again.  You have to try them!!  In the past week, two of my friends told me I had to make oat pancakes, and I inhaled them!  This one calls for bananas, and since they can replace eggs (and I can't eat them), I just left the egg out and added a little almond milk.  I also put in some vanilla extract and chocolate chips (in my book, pancakes shouldn't be made unless there is some chocolate in them).  I added some bacon, and threw a little soy yogurt on top.  Then I left the kitchen a complete mess so I could run to church.  mmmmm!

Well, i'm off to watch downton abbey!  Enjoy the last hours of your weekend :)

Health Recap

Happy February!

 I don't know that anybody actually reads this thing anymore, but i just feel like writing :)

I recently realized how little reading I have done on Lyme Disease, and decided that perhaps I should spend a little more time researching.   Now that i'm off all of the crazy prescriptions (since December 26th!), i've started looking into them.  Better late than never, right?

One of the main reasons I am curious about the drugs is because I have been having very not fun withdrawal symptoms since I finished going off of them.  At first, I thought I was just going crazy (sort of).  I was sick for two weeks with the flu over christmas, and in the middle of it, I started feeling REALLY low.  But, I couldn't sleep, had no energy, and hadn't been able to do a darn thing the entire time I was home...so I thought it kind of made sense.  I mean, you would probably go crazy too if you spent 14 days laying on a couch during the day and laying in bed, awake, all night.  Am I right?

I got to the point where I didn't want to look at another book or watch another show.  I was miserable.  After about a week of this, I thought slowly formed - "wait a minute...maybe there IS an explanation.  didn't I just go off like 10 prescriptions?!' (literally).  It took me about 3.2 seconds on google to discover that 4 of the drugs I had discontinued have anxiety, depression and insomnia as withdrawal symptoms.  fantastic!

"shouldn't you have thought of this sooner?" you might ask.  Well, yes.  And no.  You see, living with Lyme Disease has become so normal for me, swallowing handfuls became so routine, that a little slump in my emotions didn't really make me think twice.  Some days are bad, and that's just that.

But, after several days of not wanting to get out of bed and having no motivation to do anything, I started thinking.  Four of the prescriptions I was on were neurological drugs.  One is used for bi-polar disorder (my drug happy EX-doctor threw it at me over a year ago to 'help me sleep').  Another one is anti-anxiety ('oh, your heart is racing? Have a drug that causes memory loss and addiction.  Oh, and did I tell you that the withdrawal symptoms can be severe sleep disturbance, irritability, increased tension and anxiety, panic attacks, hand tremors, sweating, difficulty in concentration, confusion and cognitive difficulty, memory problems, dry retching and nausea, weight loss,  palpitations, headache, muscular pain and stiffness, hallucinations, seizures, psychosis, and suicide?  No?  Oh that's right, I never warned you about ANYTHING, because we prescribe drugs like candy".

Ok, I might sound a little bitter.  I'm really not, it just scares me that they prescribed medication so easily.  At one point I was taking close to 30 pills twice a day.  I was getting really bad headaches, so they gave me two more drugs.  I was having heart palpitations, so that's another.  And then there are the antibiotics (sometimes as many as 5 at once).

Sometimes I start beating myself up for not researching things more carefully...but then I remind myself that at some point, I had to trust them with my health - they are the doctors, after all!  I had been to doctor after doctor after doctor...normal, alternative, chiropractor, acupuncturist, gastroenterologist, travel medicine..I even flew to NYC to see a Chinese Herbalist.  He was...weird.  

None of them diagnosed me with Lyme (it was my brilliant mother who figured that out!).  I had just moved to DC, and was so excited to find out that there was actually a Lyme Specialist downtown...I was really hopeful.  But, after 2 years of a ridiculous amount of drugs and not feeling better (I felt worse, actually, because of the side-effects), I decided to visit a homeopathic doctor in Atlanta.  

Wow, this is turning out to be much longer than I anticipated!  Long story short: I'm off the drugs, I'm going to natural doctor and I have some frustrating withdrawal symptoms that don't seem to want to go away.  

BUT - through all of this, the Lord has been so faithful.  I am thankful for the hard times he brings me through because they remind me that I cannot rely on myself.  I am thankful for mornings of discouragement because they make his words so much sweeter.  And, yes, I am even thankful for loneliness, because sometimes that's the only way he can get my attention. 

January 10th

The christmas tree is out and i'm back in my cozy nook by the window :)  Carolyn and her friends were here for dinner and they just left, and I am spending a little time with the Lord before I crawl into bed.

It was so so good to see my sis, even if it was only for the evening - I am so thankful for that girl!  What a true, deep friend.  I didn't ever want her to leave.

As I sat here reflecting, I thought of some things from today that made me smile...
- peanut soup.  I know it sounds weird, but trust me.  It has sweet potatoes, kale, garlic and peanut butter.  how could you go wrong?  If you still don't believe me, try making it here.

- my pharmacist.  Because I went off all my medications recently, I hadn't seen her in over a month.  When she saw me, she gave me a huge hug and yelled at me for not setting up my voicemail yet - she had called yesterday to catch up.

- I didn't buy Starbucks today!  I was knocked off my feet by the flu for two weeks over break (apparently I had bird flu, swine flu and a strain of influenza...), and coffee just hasn't tasted good to me.  So, i'm saving money!  Another great side effect is I drank tea like it was my job...and now i like it even more!

More than anything, though, I am thankful for the steadfast love of my savior.  I stumble and fall, I forget and I get distracted, I willfully obey.  But he is infinite in mercy, perfect in love, and overflowing with grace.  This world is not always an easy place, but when he is for me, who can be against me?