Fighting Fear

Do you ever have seasons where you can't help worrying about certain things?   I feel like I am close to sliding into one of those, and I don't want to! Trying to refocus myself on God's sovereignty and GOODness.
Throughout my years (8 or so) of ups and downs with my health, I have had my fair share of fears. But, the Lord has been so kind to remind me of his faithfulness...and show it over and over again in tangible ways.

This past August, I started feeling SO much better.  As in, I no longer felt like I had been punched in the stomach every day.  I think the relief came from a combination of things...continuing to see my homeopathic doctor, cutting corn out of my diet and doing a 7-day raw veggie diet/detox.  A few weeks in, I realized that I was no longer constantly thinking about my stomach and how much it hurt.  I had more energy, I found a new job, I joined a gym.  Suddenly I was back to being "myself".

For the past few years, I slowly learned to accept a new normal.  God was so kind to help me come to that place.  For awhile, I was extremely frustrated.  I went from running a half marathon in college to not even being able to run a mile without joint pain.  I stopped running.  I stopped playing soccer.  I didn't go snowboarding for two consecutive winters.  I learned that if I could make it through work and come home and collapse, then that was a good day.

It's interesting how perspective changes everything.  Once I realized (or was reminded of) the fact that God had me in this place for a reason, I was able to accept and even grow thankful for the hard season he had me in.  After all,  and I didn't deserve to have more energy, feel better, etc. Isn't it crazy how hard things drive you closer to God?  I can be so slow to hear and listen to him..sometimes the only way he can get my attention is through trials.  And, I can honestly say that I am so grateful for the hard times he has brought me through, because they have forced me to rely on him.

Which brings me to my current struggle of not falling into fear.  The last few weeks my energy level has dipped and my mornings have started with more fatigue and stomach pain.  This is a familiar feeling, but not one I ever became indifferent to...I'm not sure how to describe it.  You would think that after 8 years of stomach pain that I would sometimes be able to get used to it...but that's just not the case.

The last few days, I have found my old fears coming back and my old  thought patterns creeping back in. I grow fearful that I will once again feel sick and fatigued, that I will never be fully healed/really know what is wrong with me, and that this will be a never ending cycle.  Which might be true.  But, even if it is, the Lord is still good, and I am still right where he wants me.

All of these fears go back to my wanting to be in control, forgetting that God is sovereign, and failing to remember that my joy should not and cannot be in my circumstances.  Why is it so easy to forget this?  Why do I so often try to take things into my own hands instead of resting them in my saviors?  I am thankful that he will finish the good work he started in me...but man, he has a long way to go!

From a 4-mile run the other night...proof that I am still doing better than before :)

It's that time of year...

Time for some reflecting on the past/upcoming year!

I really, really love journaling.  It helps me slow down, process my thoughts, and focus on ways that God has been working in my life.  I don't always do it as often as I like (ideally every morning would start out with me on the window seat, cup of coffee in hand with my journal and bible...but some mornings you just end up snoozing for over an hour. Ahem.)

I've received the following 10 questions from a few different people (thanks mom!), and spent my lunch break looking over them.  I highly recommend taking even just an hour to think through them!  I find questions like this are helpful in growing me in ways I didn't realize I needed and/or wanted to grow.

So, here goes (first five)...

 - What’s one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?

    Memorize the Word.  This is something that I have always had a hard time being faithful in.     

    But, I also know how important it is!  I am praying that the Lord would help me be more 
    disciplined in this way - feel free to check in and see how i'm doing!  I'm attempting to follow 
    Ann Voskamp's plan (this one)

-  What’s the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year?

    This is a GOOD one for me.  I so often try to put God in a box, and then I end up limiting what 

    I think he can do.  Not that how I think changes how he works, but it changes how I live!

    Anyways, in answer to this question, I want to SEE conversions.  Praying that He would give 
    me the courage to speak about him and that I would step out in faith and see him change 
    hearts.

-   What’s the single most important thing you could do to improve the quality of your family life
     this year?  

    Pray!  I need to pray more for my family, but also for me - that I would grow in love and 
    patience for each of them. So thankful for my family!

-  In which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year, and what will you 
   do about it?

This is a toss-up between prayer and scripture memorization, but I'm going to go with prayer 
   on this one.  I know that I need to be more faithful in prayer...so other than praying that the 
   Lord would incline my heart to him and make me want to spend time with him, I want to build
   it into my daily schedule so I can make sure that it happens.  I don't want to be legalistic about 
   it, but sometimes making something part of my routine is a helpful step in getting my heart in 
   line with it, too.

-   What is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year?

    This is TV, hands down.  What do I plan to do about it?  The easy answer is to say I will 
    watch less TV.  But I know myself well enough to know that just saying that won't do a thing to
    prevent me from laying on the couch for a couple of hours and staying up way later than is    
    good for me.  Which, of course, makes me want to snooze the heck out of my alarm the 
    following morning.  I am well aware that the later I stay up, the less likely I am to get up early 
    and spend time with the Lord.  Thankfully, I am at a point in my life where I have a 

    TON more energy than I used to, so I no longer come home from work and collapse on the 
    couch.  There was a time last year where my eyes hurt too much to read, and I barely had the 
    energy to walk home from the metro.  PRAISE GOD that that is no longer the case!  

   In light of this, I have been trying to go to the gym more often in the evening (when i get back I  
  am much more motivated to not sit around and be lazy).  Also, if I haven't had a good time in    
  the word yet and I am tempted to get sucked into a show, I want to try to spend time with the 
  Lord first (or instead).  

   Of course, I know I will not be perfect at any of these things, but I need to remember that not 
   only does God give us the strength we need to do the things he has called us to, but he is 
   also a God that is full of grace when we fail.  So thankful for that!

   What about you?  Maybe spend a few minutes thinking about these questions??

Just a picture from the other night...happy birthday abby!!

How do i work hard...when there is no work?

So...most of you know that I started a new job back in September.  I am SO thankful for it...better benefits, better pay, great coworkers and bosses.  It is pretty much better in every way.

The only problem is, I've had a CRAZY amount of down time.  Like, really crazy.  If you could see my time sheet, the bottom half would look something like this:

Down Time - no work	11/14/13	5.00
Down Time - no work	11/15/13	6.00
Down Time - no work	11/18/13	7.00
Down Time - no work	11/21/13	3.00
Down Time - no work	11/22/13	4.00

So what do I do with all of this extra time?  GREAT question.  I've been struggling to figure out how to use this time well.  You would think that since I have the internet at my fingertips I wouldn't be bored, right?

wrong.  you see, I have this chronic problem where I get bored way too easily.  It's hard for me to sit still when I have a whole day stretching out in front of me with (potentially) (most likely) very little coming my way.  I like being busy.  I like helping people.  I like making a difference and getting things done.  So, when I am sitting here for hours on end reading blog posts...that feels like a waste of time to me.  Sure, I can read worthwhile material, but there are only so Gospel Coalition articles I can read before my mind starts to wander and I want to poke my eyes out.

I think one of the most frustrating things about this situation (other than the day going by excruciatingly slowly) is that it tends to make me lazy.  You see, I sit her all day hoping for work, and then when I get some i'm like "dang it, i wanted to leave early!"  or something like that.  Ha, one of my friends suggested I title this post "reflections of a lazy person", which wouldn't have been that far off.  I do like working hard, but it's easy for me to fall into laziness when I haven't been doing anything all day.

Any ideas for me of ways I can spend this "free" time well?  I'm thinking some scripture memorization is in order...

I just sent my manager and email asking her to sit down and talk about possible projects I can take over/if I could help others on the team/expectations.

Fingers crossed!