Fighting Fear

Do you ever have seasons where you can't help worrying about certain things?   I feel like I am close to sliding into one of those, and I don't want to! Trying to refocus myself on God's sovereignty and GOODness.
Throughout my years (8 or so) of ups and downs with my health, I have had my fair share of fears. But, the Lord has been so kind to remind me of his faithfulness...and show it over and over again in tangible ways.

This past August, I started feeling SO much better.  As in, I no longer felt like I had been punched in the stomach every day.  I think the relief came from a combination of things...continuing to see my homeopathic doctor, cutting corn out of my diet and doing a 7-day raw veggie diet/detox.  A few weeks in, I realized that I was no longer constantly thinking about my stomach and how much it hurt.  I had more energy, I found a new job, I joined a gym.  Suddenly I was back to being "myself".

For the past few years, I slowly learned to accept a new normal.  God was so kind to help me come to that place.  For awhile, I was extremely frustrated.  I went from running a half marathon in college to not even being able to run a mile without joint pain.  I stopped running.  I stopped playing soccer.  I didn't go snowboarding for two consecutive winters.  I learned that if I could make it through work and come home and collapse, then that was a good day.

It's interesting how perspective changes everything.  Once I realized (or was reminded of) the fact that God had me in this place for a reason, I was able to accept and even grow thankful for the hard season he had me in.  After all,  and I didn't deserve to have more energy, feel better, etc. Isn't it crazy how hard things drive you closer to God?  I can be so slow to hear and listen to him..sometimes the only way he can get my attention is through trials.  And, I can honestly say that I am so grateful for the hard times he has brought me through, because they have forced me to rely on him.

Which brings me to my current struggle of not falling into fear.  The last few weeks my energy level has dipped and my mornings have started with more fatigue and stomach pain.  This is a familiar feeling, but not one I ever became indifferent to...I'm not sure how to describe it.  You would think that after 8 years of stomach pain that I would sometimes be able to get used to it...but that's just not the case.

The last few days, I have found my old fears coming back and my old  thought patterns creeping back in. I grow fearful that I will once again feel sick and fatigued, that I will never be fully healed/really know what is wrong with me, and that this will be a never ending cycle.  Which might be true.  But, even if it is, the Lord is still good, and I am still right where he wants me.

All of these fears go back to my wanting to be in control, forgetting that God is sovereign, and failing to remember that my joy should not and cannot be in my circumstances.  Why is it so easy to forget this?  Why do I so often try to take things into my own hands instead of resting them in my saviors?  I am thankful that he will finish the good work he started in me...but man, he has a long way to go!

From a 4-mile run the other night...proof that I am still doing better than before :)